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What is it? Somewhere amid “a one-bed flat” and “a buffet that a freeholder has dumped actually all of their added appliance in”.Where is it? W14, so as best I can acquaint it is actually splayed amid “the chic bit of west” and “the acutely dog-shit bit of west”.What is there to do locally? See if you can go one book after invoking astern fucking commas, probably.Alright, how abundant are they asking? “£1,250 pcm.”

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Rarely I wobble into genuine, criminal-leaning acrimony back autograph this column, you know. Annihilation surprises me anymore. The accomplishments of landlords aloof ablution over me. A bifold battery aperture you can’t actually accessible because it’s been army abutting to a wall: whatever. A allowance in a ancestors share-house area you can’t ascendancy the temperature because they debris to about-face the heating on in your room: OK. Entire deposits withheld for baby attic scuffs that were already there. That buffet in our kitchen we can’t accessible all the way because it’s been installed anon abutting to the oven extractor. Exposed cables, six-strip electrical sockets amid center up a wall, windowless rooms, tiny bathrooms with baby appropriate sinks: apparent it, candy it, dealt with it.

But this actually is some fucking shit, I acquire to say. This actually is some turds on toast:

What you are attractive at actuality is, it says here, a “nice and ample lower arena attic 1 bedchamber flat” with “a bifold bedroom, abstracted ample active room, actually tiled bathroom, and a absorbing kitchen – furnished”. I acquire to point out that the absorbing kitchen has two board chairs in it, rolling around, instead of absolute chairs you ability see at a breakfast nook. Is that charming? I don’t know. No? It feels like “no”.

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Also: I acquire to point out that the use of the chat “large” as a modifier for “lower arena attic 1 bedchamber flat” is article of a misnomer, because it isn’t actual large, it aloof happens to acquire some array of aisle in it. (We do not acquire to altercate the heavy-lifting the chat “nice” is accomplishing re: a algid attractive collapsed with cold-bulb lighting and all the blinds pulled up to betrayal the black outside). I acquire to point out that “separate ample active room” is either a lie or a actual abstract omission: the bedchamber – which, for some reason, has two wardrobes and a broiler in it, and little abroad – additionally has a daybed in it, suggesting that sitting on that constitutes the active room; there is no added allowance pictures that could conceivably be a active room, unless you calculation sitting on an appointment armchair in your kitchen as some array of leisure activity.

So, to clarify: your bedchamber is your active room. Your appointment is your kitchen. Your bathroom, actually tiled, is at the end of an apocalyptic hallway. This costs one thousand pounds per month, added an added two-hundred-and-fifty pounds, added bills.

Then why am I so angry? I anticipate it’s because of how apathetic this collapsed is: presented, as it is, with acrid bargain appliance – the box-frame bed; the Argos apparel that consistently slants and goes fluctuant two months into use, the doors abnegation to acclimatize unless you lift one of them to shut them; the daybed with the stains on it, the muck of addition else’s beard gel anointed forth the back; the aberrant poles larboard in shot, the starkness of the lightbulbs aflame off the windows. Annihilation about this abode says “welcoming” or “make this your home” or “this, in any bazaar with accustomed armament in the accepted universe, is account £1,250 a month”. It says: “We begin a lot of this appliance on the alley outside. If you breach one of these shitty poundshop blinds you’re advantageous for it. The boiler works three months of the year and not the months you appetite or charge it to work. If you booty those decrepit appointment chairs out of the kitchen I will snatch the absoluteness of your deposit.”

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It has been a continued year – of everything, but best abnormally this column. Nobody moves in December: this is the time of year acreage agents bandy new adverts up, bits flung inelegantly at the wall, and see which backdrop get airtight up: those that do behest the bazaar amount for the advancing year. 2020 will see rents go up, this is a fact: there is actually annihilation acclimation the rental market, I aboveboard agnosticism the new government has any affairs to do annihilation about it, and this year’s law axing rental fees is due to be captivated into rental costs so landlords, acreage agents and anybody complex bottomward the accomplished corrupt alternation get their cut and again some.

If you break area you are abutting year, your hire will apparently go up. If you move, it is acceptable to access alike more, because landlords apperceive allowance out one set of tenants and affective in addition agency there’s a blah £125-ish gap of ability in what anniversary added paid for the aforementioned space, year-on-year-on-year. You don’t charge to move into this accurate appointment armchair shit-hole in west London for it to affect you: as anon as addition does (and they will), and as anon as this collapsed operates as a brand for what £1,250 gets you in this city, all the rents about it will acclimatize accordingly. This shit-hole actuality allegedly account added than you are advantageous for your slightly-less bits shit-hole aloof fabricated your shit-hole a accomplished agglomeration added expensive.

My admonish is this: do not anticipate about it. Go home for Christmas, adore the fridge your mum went actually barmy stocking up, eat as abundant aliment and alcohol as abundant alcohol as you possibly can. Back your mum offers you a brick of tin antithesis abounding with cheese and chip pies and Christmas pudding to booty home to London with you, acquire it greedily. Adore all those nights with the axial heating on too high. Because already you appear home, to W14, to London, to this, all of those things – eating, actuality warm, absolute calmly – will be a abroad memory. £1,250 a ages of addition else’s money aloof put paid to that.

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Merry Crimbly 🙂

@joelgolby

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